...you're watching the weather alerts for the tornados heading your way and after noticing the conical symbol they use for said twister, you think "why is there a pastie on the map??"

few things will make a girl feel like more of a spinster than having her father call her on mothers day sunday to say

"happy mother's day...ya know...since youre like a mom for the cats and for Truck (my dog)".

I think my dad just told me that I'm a crazy cat lady.

I got an email a couple of days ago in my work inbox.

From:	name proteced cos, ya'll, he's crazy!
Subject:	request
Date:	5/4/2008 10:26 AM

would you swallow a small goldfish alive on video?


----------------

yes.  a goldfish.  I'm pleased he told me it would be only a small one and not, say, a koi or anything like that.

you SEE what I have to do to make a buck?

(and no...so not going to do this but I want to meet the girl who agrees to)

hey, can everyone who can read this go vote for our event on do512.com?

http://do512.com/event/2008/05/09/big-star-burlesque-show

trying to get it up to about 30 or so "i loved its" so we can go out in their email thing tomorrow.

plus, you might just win free tickets to our show.  so, ya know, bonus!

so visit the link, register (its free and no spam) and click on I loved it in the upper corner.  and then ill love you long time

Guess where i'll be on Saturday night?

http://www.originalalamo.com/Show.aspx?id=5358

FUCK YES BITCHES!

who else wants to go? I have 2 tickets, one for me and one for a friend who doesn't know yet he's going (I just left a message saying "hey! you're going to this with me, ok? awesome!")

Lets all go!

Most of you know I'm a fan of horse racing.  If not, well, I am.  Today was the Kentucky Derby. 

This years race boasted the first filly to run in the Kentucky Derby since 1999.  Eight Belles.

Unfortunately, she broke both of her back legs after coming in 2nd and had to be put down.

I'm pretty sad about it.  So. yeah.

I sat down this week and put together a 2 year plan which involves being debt free by Jan 31, 2009, then purchasing a new house by summer of 2010 with enough to put 30% down (after I sell this place) and then enough to fix it up the way I want it.   

On a lark, I started looking at houses in San Antonio.  Not that I want to move back there.  But I found my dream house for 50k. 
This image is what made the real estate portion of my heart go pitter pat.

Depending on foundation and roof condition, it would probably need a good 25k to do what I want with it.  And i'd have a 3 bdrm, 3 bath, 1920's house for 75k.  Like I said.  Dream house.  Except its in San Antonio and not, say, in Central Austin.

These types of houses are all over the place down there.  I was telling aeryn42 about that when we were in San Antonio together a few months ago.   Our half million dollar hyde park bungalos are 100k in San Antonio.  Stick the house in one of the "historic" districts in SA and you'll tack on another 30k.   My old hometown loves its gated communities and easy access to a TJ Maxx.   Poor forgotten homes with hardwood floors and 80 year old tile around the fireplace.

I saw the house across the street and 3 doors down from my great grandmothers house was on sale.  Mason Street. 

But yes, 2 year plan.  I have a love of money.  No.  change that.  Not a love of money, but a love of finances.  The thrill of "If I change my income from X to Y, I'll be able to do ___ in 14.2 months" or "If I pay A on this credit card, my total payments will be B, but if I pay C then it means I'd have saved D in interest".  Numeric cause and effect.  I often blame my "jewness" for this but I realise now that I blame Showbiz Pizza.  

As a child, I was the one who always saved those tickets from game after game of skeeball in a mayonaise jar instead of trading in that afternoons earnings for a cheap eraser and some temporary tattoos.  At 7, I would sit in the glow of a Rockafire Explosion show, figuring "ok, today, I won 35 tickets.  I have 392 total now.  That means I only have 608 to go til I win the radio with built in alarm clock". 

Every dollar I earn, for me, is a count down to my next goal.   I never count up.  It's like I'm still there with a red crayon, notebook paper and a sea of orange tickets laid across a pizza stained yellow table.

It is 2:26.  About 5 minutes ago my cat, the one who is an indoor/outdoor cat decided that 2:21am was the PERFECT time to take advantage of the "outdoor" part of his dual citizenship. 

I was in no mood to wait out his meows and was more than ready for bed, so I let him out.  He's stayed out overnight before so I was not worried.

He is the only one of my cats to be let outside.

He went out, sniffed the side walk and started to walk back to the front door and as he came close, I opened the door assuming he was wanting to return to the comforts of a full food bowl and air conditioning.

Another cat decided to take this opportunity to make a dash for it.  A cat who is not allowed out.  A cat that I should run out and grab.

Did I mention I was ready for bed.

Why is this important? 

Because I sleep in the nude.

So, picture it.  Cat in the "forbidden" outdoors and one half asleep cat owner in the buff.  I did not want to run upstairs to put on the jeans and shirt  I had on earlier that evening as I wouldn't be able to see where she'd run off to.

So I grabbed an oversized t-shirt that was hanging over the handlebars of my bike and threw it over my ample and exposed frame.  I walked outside.  The shirt did not cover....EVERYTHING but would have been fine had the cat just stayed on the porch outside my door.

She did not. 

Running around my neighborhood in a tshirt that would JUST cover my hoo-hoo-dilly standing still was not an option.  But what else did I have nearby?

I keep my burlesque costumes and dresses in the closet by the front door.

So i threw on a strapless, dark green evening dress with a side zipper  while trying to keep an eye on my four legged fugitive. 

East Austin.  Fat girl in a green evening gown tapping on a tin of Fancy Feast whispering "come on kitty! mmm! mommas got yummy food!!!"

Here's to hoping all my neighbors were asleep.  And I never did catch that fucking cat.

about 8:30 this morning, my phone rang.  I was still asleep.

"hello, this is niteflirt.  A customer is calling your listing in "Women home alone" to your member name *insert my characters name here*"

the call was for my 18 year old, kinda bratty Jewish american princess who did vanilla phone sex.    I hate doing vanilla calls.  They all last 3 minutes and you have to be all "OO! AHH!! YEAH!! BIG BOY" bull shit.  But I keep her there because she gets calls and 3 minutes is about $5.95 which is catfood for a week.  or a coffee and a cookie at rio rita or whatever.

So i take the call.

"Hello?" I say. 

"Hi! is this *character's name*"

"yeah! who's this?"

"this is *caller's name*.  So youre a good jewish girl?"

"I try."

"But i bet you can be a bad jewish girl too, cant you"

"mm...yeah...i can be REAL bad"

"What kind of bad things do you like to do"

"all kinds! what bad things would you like me to do?"

"whatever you want, baby"

"mmm...I like it all"  (yes, 'telephone entertainment' is just that corny)

"so if youre a good jewish girl...do you keep shabbos?

so he must be a member of the tribe.

"I do, but its hard to when im here at college"

"so what other bad jewish girl things do you want to do?"

At this point i could tell he was too shy to bring up anything.  3 minutes had already past.  it didnt really matter at this point.  plus i was still half asleep.

"I wanna eat bacon! and a dinner roll during passover!!!!"

*click*

Hey there friends list! Say, What are you doing April 8th?


Well, I'm going to vote in the run off election.

Oh sweet! I was gonna remind you to do that.  What about that night?

Don't know.  Sounds like you know about something AWESOME!

I DO!  Remeber that poetry thing I DJ at every wednesday?

yeah.  I hear you're awesome and so much better than that DJ Hot Wings they used to have.

Well.  yes.  But more importantly, I wanted you to know that Austin Poetry Slam is having its finals on April 8 at the Long Center!

Finals?  For What?

See, all year, these wonderfully talented and good looking poets have competed for a chance to make the team for Nationals.

Oh, like the nationals we had here the last 2 years!

Exactly! So April 8th, the team to send to this years National Poetry Slam will be chosen.  So this is the best of the best that Austin has to offer!

Great! I don't want to miss that!!

You sure don't! 

I can't stop listening to Gloria by Laura Brannigan. 

There is obviously something wrong with me.

This is just a warning for the next time I DJ slam.  I'm just sayin.

Anyone up for hanging out tomorrow night.  say, meeting up after caucus or at 7:20 @ Waterloo Ice House on Lamar and 38th????

There's been quite a few questions floating around so I'm going to try and put together a little "Texas Primary 101" post for those of us here in Travis county. It will hopefully cover any questions anyone has. If not, feel free to ask!

first, if you are not sure if you are registered or you are not sure where your precinct is, check here

http://www.traviscountytax.org/showVoterNameSearch.do

Not only will you find out if you are registered, it will tell you your precinct number AND the location of that precinct.

If you have not voted in early voting, this is where you will go to vote. You can not vote at another location.

Polls will open at every precinct at 7am. As long as you are in line by 7pm, you WILL get to vote. Don't let anyone tell you anything different. Of course, don't risk it by rolling up at 6:59:59 by your watch. Get there as early as possible. We election workers would like to go home at some point, especially since we've been there since 6am.

When you come to vote, bring your voter's registration card. I'd also suggest bringing photo ID, especially if you are a first time voter in Travis County. Maybe also bring along a copy of a utility bill (electric, cable, etc) or bank statement just in case as a 3rd form of ID as long as it shows current address and name.

But, Stephanie, I don't HAVE my voter's registration card! OMG! PANIC!

No worries! Bring the photo ID and that utility bill. Drivers license, passport, Texas state ID are all fine. Don't have those? bring a student ID or even your work badge! Have your birth cert? that works too!

Oh cool! I can't wait to vote! And I'm gonna wear this awesome "Obama is my homeboy" shirt / "Clinton is the rox0rz" button / "Ron Paul is for lovers" jacket, etc

Hold your horses. State law says that there is to be no electioneering within 100 feet of the door to the polling place. Since many polling places are inside other buildings (churches, schools, etc), the 100 foot mark is from the door to the actual room where the election is. Either way, you will see signs showing where that 100 foot mark is.

And yes, t-shirts, buttons, stickers, etc endorsing a candidate or issue on the ballot IS electioneering. Can't be worn at the election.

I'm gonna have to wait like 2 hours to vote, aren't I?

When you get to the polling place, lines might be a bit long. Please stay and vote. We election workers will be trying to get people through the lines as quickly as possible. Many of the locations are receiving extra booths since we know there will be record turnout.

So, I show up. Now what?

You'll first walk up to the person who'll verify your voter registration. You'll had them your card/ID. They'll look you up, make sure you're in the right place and ask you which party's primary you would like to vote in. KNOW THE PARTY'S PRIMARY YOU WANT TO VOTE IN. It might sound funny to say but I'd bet any of you $100 bucks someone will go "I don't know. I just know I want to vote for so and so. Election workers can't prompt you or tell you anything that may sway you to one party's primary or another. We really can't even say "are you voting democrat or republican". Help us help you.

After you tell them which primary and you've been verified, you'll get your card/ID back and move on to the table of the party's primary you stated you wanted to vote in. So, if you said "democrat", you'll go to the Democrat table and Republican's to republican. Easy peasy.

They will have you sign off in the log saying that yes you came to vote and all the info is correct (address, spelling of name, stuff like that). Your voters registration card will be stamped with the party's primary you are voting in so you can attend the caucus later (more on that later). If you dont have your card, you'll be given a little business card sized receipt stating your name, precinct number and the party's primary you are voting in.

After that, you'll move to someone with a machine who will give you an access code so you can cast your vote on the eSlate machine. Then you go to vote

If you voted in 06, you probably used an eSlate. If not, they are really easy to use. If you want to see what it looks like, this pdf will show you and go over how to use it.

http://www.co.travis.tx.us/county_clerk/election/eSlate/pdfs/English_Flyer_050923.pdf

But if you can post on LJ, you can use an eSlate.

If you have any questions about using the machine or a question where you're not sure you did something right or there is a problem, notify an election worker before you cast your ballot. Once you confirm your vote on the eSlate, thats it.

What's this caucus thing I've heard so much about?

Texas as 228 delegates up for grabs. 128 of those are chosen based on the popular vote. 35 of the delegates are those super delegates we've all heard so much about. The last 67 are chosen by caucus. Thats a metric fuckton!

In order to participate in the caucus for a party, you have to had voted in that party's primary, either during early voting or on March 4th.

The caucus for the Democrats will start at 7:15 or after the last person has voted (like i said, if you are in line at 7 you'll get to vote. So if someone gets in line at 6:59 and there is a 20 minute wait, then caucus cant start til, at earliest, 7:19. But get there at 7.

So, caucus starts. Precinct chairman/chairwoman will call it to order.

After the caucus is called to order, the sign-in period begins. You will write your name, address, voter ID number (provided for you, and on your Voter Reg card), and the candidate you support. This is your caucus vote. Writing in the name of the person you support is the reason why you’re there. Make sure your writing is clear. Once every person in line to caucus has signed in, AND it is after 7:15 p.m., the caucus is closed.

Once everyone has signed in, those in attendance will elect the permanent caucus chair and secretary, who will oversee the rest of the caucus. They will count up the supporters for each candidate. This is the first ballot. If any candidates do not reach viability, their supporters will be able to change their vote. These people should go to the sign in table and make their intentions clearly known to the sign-in folks. The total number of vote changes can also be recorded in the caucus minutes by the secretary. Next, the precinct will take care of some precinct-level business, some resolutions, and hopefully some further party organizing for November.

I wanna pack up the dog and the camera and head to the kite festival on Sunday.  Anyone else wanna go?

who's going with me?????????

anyone else going? 

Big Star Burlesque is turning one!!!! If you tried to buy tickets the last 24 hours and couldn't access the website, try again. All issues should be fixed.

Join Big Star Burlesque plus friends, Red Light Burlesque, The Jigglewatts, Carousel Cabaret, Raw Sugar Burlesque, Rita Lovelace and Frostine Shake with musical entertainment from Mr Lewis and Funeral 5 as we celebrate on feb 15th at Emo's Lounge. Door at 8pm, show starts at 9. We are SO SO SO excited about this show and all our lovely guests who are going to share the stage with us!

PLUS, in honor of valentine's day, we'll have a kissing booth so you can fulfill your dreams of kissing a burlesque dancer.

Tickets are $10 in advance, $12 at the door. Best burlesque value around! It works out to something like 45 cents a boob! GNARLY!


Tickets and details available at http://www.bigstarburlesque.com

so, the alamo drafthouse had this little contest where folks make film remakes blah blah blah whatever

so yeah...check this shit out

http://beta.filmmakingfrenzy.com/sites/filmfrenzy_beta/ViewFilm.aspx?FilmId=40

and by "shit' i mean "awesomeness!!!!!"

watch, sign up, rate this a 10!

I laughed! I cried! It was better than Cats! I'd watch it again and again

Scooby-Doo Meets The Harlem Globetrotters is on tv right now.  HELL YES

I'm seriously going all sorts of nutso over here. 

Well, more nutso than normal.  

I'm so fucking nervous and twitchy.